i miss stuff that teachers dont teach

I was never an academically oriented person. I love to learn but i hate studying. The difference is that in learning i choose what i want to learn but in studying, i try to learn as much as i can about a topic that i may or may not like or may even be something i despise. All that work for to get good grades, to get in a good college, and for what to be eventually a clog in the machine (of course there is always an alternative). The alternative being, to get good grades, exert influence, get rich and live the way you always wanted to.

My point is, i have defined myself to being that person that excel despite her grades. The girl, that everybody thinks is well-rounded and is definetly not square. Well, these perceptions was derived from the fact that i am good in the arts (dance), i express myself well in class and i am part of the student council. I can do it all.

I used to say.

College came. Academics became my priority. It is the most important anyway. It is time to prove myself worthy of being accepted to a prestigious university. I also figured, ive done all the other things anyway, i want to achieve something i have never done before. "TO BE in the HONORs LisT". The irony is, im a year away from graduation, and i have the worst ahead of me and i am no way near my goal.

I think my mistake was not that i choose demanding teachers and that i focused on personhood than grades. But rather, i believe my mistake arise from me underestimating my younger self. Who can say that i didnt know myself? that i ran towards what easy and ran away from applying myself academically. My greatest mistake was when i chose to forget my younger, old self. To forcefully see myself as other than what i have been trying to do.

To this day, my greatest dream is still to become a hollywood actress. To be rich, influencial and most of all to be an artist. Now, im trying to become a politician, a manager and a financer. There is no other field farther than childhood dream.

connection to my title? i used to be happy asserting my reality in areas other than academics. to things i can do, to things i have created than things i have to learn.