letter of a young writer

hi!

im fine, school is relatively easier, of maybe its just easier when you realize that getting an F is not the end of your world.

hehehe.

i failed theology. of all the subjects! ive grieved enough.

il be having my practicum this summer! im both excited and fearful. exited because, i love dressing up or at least have a legitimate reason to wear heels. hehe.. fearful, well, am i capable? im sure you still remember feeling this way.

i dont have prospects of where to work yet... i just know where/who/what i dont want to work for. spoken like a true teenager...

am i still one? well, im barely an adult.

i have a blog! read me rant! ungroundedconsciousness.blogspot.com

i created another one because im practicing my writing skills... and also, it just helps when i keep my brain working, helps with the grieving.. hahaha.

un lang naman. msya un party.

saw a japanese guy in the party... which name i keep on forgetting... anyway, being japanese, i never know how he truly feels. if he is bored, cant relate, or actually having fun.
shh... secret lang yan. but its true! japanese people, especially men are not expressive and worst they will do anything that is right despite their unwillingness to do so. in filipino, plastic. to some extent. BUT they are a better nation for it.

when will filipinos be so self-sacrificing?

i will end at that note...

attack of the 50 feet moral conscience!

ok, fine. fine! *bitter*

i started selling dvds. i needed the money. i was quite proud that im venturing into entrepreneurship and acutally thinking about my future. however, selling dvds is not the way to go because the dvds, well, are not accepted by some people. (i am not going into details, for my own protection. it is better for me for you to draw the wrong conclusion than actually know the truth. ahaha)

i hate this. *bitter*

it didnt start that way. i did start to recieve orders and promote. for some reason the attack of the 50 feet conscience did reveal itself until, i was actually getting more orders. well, let just say, i stopped. the "consequences" is to big to ignore.

money. *bitter*

does this mean that i will suck at entrepreneurship when i entertain thoughts regarding morals and ethics? i don't think so. i may not become rich as some people are, but i know i will be better for it.

damn. *bitter*

the bad effects will soon outweigh the good effects.

this happened when i was driving alone to pick up my sister from school. damn, introspection. anyway, i started to think about what I'm doing. well, i tried to fight for those of you who is mad at me. I'm sorry. i will make money. you'll see. but not that the way where i might possibly ruin my future. what for? couple of thousand?

I'm reading a book right now by David Loy for my Philosophy class. He stated that man's main problem is not the fear or the lack of death as psychoanalysts and existentialist suggest but rather, man's fear is the "annihilation of all possibilities" (which will be a topic of my next blog). the way i see it, what i was or want to be doing does not open up opportunities but rather creating conclusions. conclusions that i always fear.

to not become everything i want to be. *fear*

it is time for me to fear.

THE ATTACK OF THE 50 FEET MORAL CONSCIENCE.

i miss stuff that teachers dont teach

I was never an academically oriented person. I love to learn but i hate studying. The difference is that in learning i choose what i want to learn but in studying, i try to learn as much as i can about a topic that i may or may not like or may even be something i despise. All that work for to get good grades, to get in a good college, and for what to be eventually a clog in the machine (of course there is always an alternative). The alternative being, to get good grades, exert influence, get rich and live the way you always wanted to.

My point is, i have defined myself to being that person that excel despite her grades. The girl, that everybody thinks is well-rounded and is definetly not square. Well, these perceptions was derived from the fact that i am good in the arts (dance), i express myself well in class and i am part of the student council. I can do it all.

I used to say.

College came. Academics became my priority. It is the most important anyway. It is time to prove myself worthy of being accepted to a prestigious university. I also figured, ive done all the other things anyway, i want to achieve something i have never done before. "TO BE in the HONORs LisT". The irony is, im a year away from graduation, and i have the worst ahead of me and i am no way near my goal.

I think my mistake was not that i choose demanding teachers and that i focused on personhood than grades. But rather, i believe my mistake arise from me underestimating my younger self. Who can say that i didnt know myself? that i ran towards what easy and ran away from applying myself academically. My greatest mistake was when i chose to forget my younger, old self. To forcefully see myself as other than what i have been trying to do.

To this day, my greatest dream is still to become a hollywood actress. To be rich, influencial and most of all to be an artist. Now, im trying to become a politician, a manager and a financer. There is no other field farther than childhood dream.

connection to my title? i used to be happy asserting my reality in areas other than academics. to things i can do, to things i have created than things i have to learn.

why blog?

ungrounded consciousness?

(consciousness) First, this blog is part of my new year's resolution. I have been trying to release the artist in me through photography and sociological investigation. Multiply has given me the venue to upload my pictures, not that all of them merits recognition. Also, granted that sociological investigations are not actually artistic in nature, but i think it takes a lot of imagination to look at society differently than everyone else. Moreover, to look at society and see more than remnants of our past and hostages to a future set and designed for communities and not individuals. Thus, a lot get trapped in the cracks where two designated lines meet but no one takes responsibility for.

(ungrounded) This blog is also a product of depression, bitterness and fear. Thus, this blog is also a product of PASSION. I have no intention to be responsible for the things i may or may not say. As such should also not to be taken seriously. However, to those of you who knows me long enough, being politically incorrect, bias and anal is not my strongest suit.